Whatever actually made him angry (my tortured hypothesis, simple embarrassment at being caught not working, sheer cussedness) was probably very hugely not about you. - JAD Aug 1, 2017 at 14:12 3 "Do take pictures" could be an alternative - JollyJoker Aug 1, 2017 at 14:44 9 But if the loading zone is filled, the driver ends up inconvenienced, so if the driver has no other passengers Ill do what my spouse prefers and wait outside for them. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. Hey, you seem upset, is everything OK? That goes for online engagements too. Well, then, I accept! understanding whether the feeling counts in reality or doesnt exist (I have no qualms about putting the dogs outside if I spot proselytizers or door-to-door salespeople coming down the street, but I wont put the dogs out if someone is already inside the yard.). I didnt realise the combination of cheating and micromanaging was a thing until just now, but Ive experienced it too. Part of the home visit dread in my life is the potential endlessness of it. You ask him/her to see each other and . How to get invited without asking If someone is talking about plans around you, you can try to drop hints to prompt them to invite you. I loathe that kind of conversation, I cant initiate it. Like you could ask how about a homemade meal and the latest movie at your place on Saturday night?It takes guts to ask that question and be sure to know what to wear to his place for dinner. Youre going to show our friend the bike and then ride away on your bike. I try to host people in my home every so often just so that I have the excuse/motivation to do this kind of cleaning which I then enjoy all by myself for several days after. We knew we disagreed on a few things, knew we were different people, but the love and support was always there until it wasnt. Which makes it especially annoying when they then go and ring my *mobile phone* after failing to get an answer from my home phone. I think thats a polite expression though. Also, partners hometown friends live near Vacation Place, and they frequently call him to ask when were going to be there, and then theyll just invite themselves out for a couple of days. Im not sure if youve already responded to your friend or not, but if not I think the correct response here is a simple Hey, sorry, didnt mean to invade your space! Ive dropped in on people, but I make it a point to A) ask if this is an okay time/are they busy/etc and B) not be more than 10 minutes unless I am absolutely sure its okay to hang out for a bit (ie. Yeah, eselle, this seems like the best compromise/solution. No one should have to see that. One time she offered to help me pack for a camping trip with my friends that she wasnt even going on and only gave me 5 mins of advance notice. 4. Word. (For values of we meaning the people of my generation that I know. If you could just not do that, that would be awesome. Its like I had been taking math tests all my life under the impression that being good at math meant that I was supposed to just intuit the answer, and that doing anything to figure it out was cheating and then finding out that Im allowed to actually use math! Someone makes a small mistake, the other lets her know about her displeasure, and you go back to being best buddies. He would not be able to remember to do it, would not choose a socially appropriate time and place to do it if he did remember, and would not issue an invitation that T would be able to understand, let alone accept. In the bike example, you could text and say hey, Im picking up my bike from near your house, do you want to go to the park for a bit? or even hey, Im in [neighbourhood] right now getting my bike, do you want to hang out for a bit? (without specifying where). I think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. In those circumstances, you dont enjoy cleaning much, I can tell you. Please do not copy, reproduce, or translate any articles without permission. It helps to hear that this was inappropriate. Anyway, like the Captain was saying, not all strategies work all the time, but consistent application of methods can get you places. Definitely not specifically British; my knowledge is patchy, but I know of no place in either Canada or the States where it is assumed to be broadly okay to interrupt people at work. Oh Lord, yes! The lounge would be where the family relaxed; the reception room is where you would receive visitors. It drives me up the wall too! Down. The reason is that I didnt invite you. [deleted] 11 yr. ago. I dont mind close friends stopping by, especially if they call/text/email first to let me know theyre in the area. Of course, people who don't pick up on that assumption may unintentionally feel excluded. Ah, but would you just invite yourself in for pasghetti? Im going to share what Im comfortable with and Im going to kick the rest under the bed until you leave. Like I dot userstand it. People arguing to come over when I dont want them. Showing up to someones house even 30 seconds early there is no lobby, and shame-cleaning is a thing. I was reading that and thinking, wait, whys that shame-cleaning? Next, ask what her particulars are about dropping by. We werent students for whom casual unstructured socializing is often more the norm. Applauding the efforts of organizations and individuals who are doing something good. You want things to go right for T, and your son to be happy with the results as well, and leave T wanting more. This is about my comfort in my own home and has nothing to do with catering to guests, or being proper or mannerly. Basically: asking in advance/leaving your buds/acquaintances the option to refuse is always always always the safer choice in my opinion. While everyones comments about drop-in etiquette are really valuable and I would keep them in mind with other friends, my gut just keeps telling me this person is trying to pull a slow fade on you. 2. Usually one would suggest meeting at their own place or wait until the other person is doing so, I guess.|To a friend? Im pretty social in that Im at clubs almost every day of the week and so when Im not I have to cram in stuff I actually WANT or NEED to do. I definitely feel like there are certain things I shouldnt have to tell people no about, justified or not. This, 100%, and can I just make a plug for when you are dating someone, THEY ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY INVITED TO EVERYTHING YOU ARE INVITED TO. ), I wasnt invited! And then, if they feel differently about this issue, they say something dismissive, and then you 1) KNOW that they feel differently, and 2) can say, Im just not comfortable showing up somewhere unless I have an invitation. And thenagain, this works best if youre close, I thinkmaybe they remember to invite you in the future. And good luck finding a place to put your car if you want to do that in LA. I find this thread reassuring and helpful. Hilariously, when he came to pick me up recently he was going to come to the door and ring the bell, but Id seen the car drive up and was ready to go. I personally find it sad, as so many times the reason for wanting to end a friendship is based on miscommunications that were left to fester until the only thing left to do is demote the other person to an outer circle, or cut them out of ones life altogether. A downside to this is it can feel like youre expecting the person to ask you to come inside if they need a few more minutes. There's a lot you can do to improve your social skills on your own - I wouldn't have made this site if I thought otherwise. Im just generally a slightly messy, cluttered person. My brother and sister-in-law wound up super-stressed because not only did her mother and father invite themselves over, but they brought her brother, his wife and their twin toddlers. First, apologize for coming over uninvited at an inconvenient time. One caveat to this is if you KNOW youre going to be near me every Saturday at Noon, and you start texting me every Saturday at 11, I might get annoyed. It's more expected that everyone will keep up with what's going on, and take the initiative to get involved if they're interested. I have a friend that makes me crazy, because we have interactions like this: Friend: Hey, are you busy next Saturday? I use Handcent SMS instead. 1. I know, but like I said up thread, Ive had a couple of friends in the past who would in fact regularly cancel that close to whatever-it-was, so I got in the habit for a while because I couldnt trust that plans were real. We CANT know. Here is how I think of this in my brain, if I am making plans I am always attempting to make plans to 1. LW, as a general rule (at least in most parts of North America and Europe), I think youll usually be safe with these guidelines: dont just show up at someones house (unless theyve told you they like when people do that) and dont be the one to suggest you go to your friends house (unless youre quite close or theyve told you they like that). I apologize to the LW and to you for appearing critical. You were a little kid. Hi, sorry, Im right here, lets go now; love you parents Of course all of that is also because I live in Chicago and we live w/in walking distance of each other and shops and things. Offer him an idea or a suggestion on what to do or what you would like to do at his residence. But usually those friends are limited to the small number of people who have seen me ugly cry. Think about your daily routine and determine what items you will need for going to bed and waking up. And then people wouldnt call, and theyd say things to me later like, Oh, I didnt hear from you so I thought you didnt want to get together. So frustrating, as is that other Northern California custom of texting someone on the day of an event to say, Are we still getting together at X time? Well, of course we are I agreed, right? Well, one way is not to mention things to people if theyre not invited. Use direct language, such as, "How about homemade lasagna and the new James Bond movie at your place Friday night?" Sorry if this doesn't work but it might. My home has to be my sanctuary, and nobody gets inside without my consent given well in advance (hint: 24 hours is short notice to me) Agreed, although as you say I understand why some people can avoid it, with the cleaning and entertaining. She knows because she has been explicitly told so and reacted not by feeling embarrassed and trying to learn how to navigate social boundaries better but by punishing people for telling her until it becomes easier to just leave things alone. I was there to do a hobby that most people arent interested in and that I was going to spend most of my time there doing, and the rest of it resting. Id agree its worth checking in with your friend, LW, to say something like hey, I didnt mean to intrude the other day and Im sorry that I did. I hate drop-ins, for many of the above reasons. The big takeaway from this post is that a lot of preferences are situational and individual. Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. 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