I am afraid for humanity. I give up. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest 5. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. Summer and fall is half the year. You mention what you used to do when your were single. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. And if they live together. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. I stand by it. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. YES! Haha. Make plans for activities. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. This is typically how this dynamic functions. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. lets_be_honest There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. LW, you are not being unreasonable! But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. Geocaching!!!! I have a friend whose husband is like this. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Pronouns made that a little less clear. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. lets_be_honest If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. ?? Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. I wouldnt worry about ityet. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Tax Geek The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Yeah, but every weekend? January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. a lot of people just arent that way. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. allathian I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. ReginaRey But are they really guilting the boyfriend? lets_be_honest i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. 14 years ago. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. I agree. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. So many people spend a ton of time with family. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. You accept him as he is or you leave. I agree with you. CottonTheCuteDog "I Share that with your boyfriend as well. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. Its hard not knowing when a passing will GatorGirl wendyblueeyes Look at the situation from everyones position. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? I think I need more info. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. And he was a bore. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. I married an apron-strings boy like that. Some families really are just that close. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. Laura Hope I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Gah what is that. I just dont understand this concept. . Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. If not, you need to sort this out. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. lets_be_honest He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. Does that make sense? Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. I would plan some things. Im in the same situation as well. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. but you have to talk to him about it. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. What about visiting your parents? I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. lets_be_honest Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. Then you need a different boyfriend. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. All rights reserved. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. lets_be_honest You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. 03/07/2022 08:00. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Like he was programmed that way. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. muchachaenlaventana it was just a sort of tradition. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. Have a bbq with friends. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. Get out and DO something. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. . But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. I agree with you both. Tax Geek Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. Or pick berries. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Yeah, I agree with ron. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. . New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. Too much info missing. Your problem is thinking you can change him. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. It sounds codependent to me. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. They are content with the status quo. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. Ann Cannon. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Different strokes for different folks. What way would you not want it to be? Yes. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. if it works for you, thats all that matters. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. Yes. Pretty much. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Yes, this. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. Some things you may never known until you move in together. CottonTheCuteDog January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. So its not like every.single.weekend. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. muchachaenlaventana Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. Its over the top. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Will.i.am Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. What should I do? LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. Are you far away from your own family? June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll Dont you like spending time with us. 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