One of my partners was doing something like this for a spell there. Your boyfriends reaction to those scripts will tell you whether this relationship is worth keeping, or whether its time to move on. I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) When he would not go to counseling with me, I went by myself. Ugh, people who think their duty to hound you into achieving your potential is more important than your need to be listened to when you say you dont like that and they should stop! Its okay to leave. And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? Many, possibly even most, of us find that a bit of exercise can be a mood brightener when were feeling especially low. We dont try and manage the others health and healing, though. He never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. If LW says Be honest about how you feel. This doesnt sound like theyre frustrated, and it doesnt sound like theyre experiencing personal distress. Nope, cant recall this either. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) TL;DR: I hope you have good progress with your healing, and that either your boyfriend learns to be less of a jerk stat, or that youre in a position to be able to move on/out without him, because you deserve so much more support and respect. Like, no. This probably represents a big change in your ongoing habit of communication, so take it easy on yourself as you attempt it (but attempt it). For example, wed be driving home from a fun night out with friends and he would tell me all of the things I had said that *could have* been offensive to someone there. Theres a difference. There can even be some of both this and the previous issue mixed together, because real people (even ones who use lots of reason) can have conflicting and complex emotions. Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. I make weird concoctions of things that are in the house, and if theyre tasty they make it into the regular rotation! This is not a democracy. etc.). And when I broke up with him that was what I told him. If you love someone, why are you punishing them? Im severely disabled, so maintaining social links is tougher. When things improve, can the caretaker let go and not calcify your roles into The Helper and The One Who Needs Help? If you were kind of hiding from them because you were depressed and have shame about how long its been, let it go. Changing roles is hard even for people with the best hearts and intentions and experiencing some friction around that isnt really a surprise, so if you have trust and like and respect, you *might* look past and/or forgive the Logick Kraken the first time or two it comes out to play. The fact that you said, complete with arm-flailing inflatable tube-men and blinky neon arrows, Hey, your helpyness is actually making my depression worse/making it harder for me to make changes, and HE DOUBLED DOWN makes me worried and also kind of like I want to smack him with a dead fish on your behalf (Im a whitefish knight, har de har har). This is sporadic enough that it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship (yet! Sometimes it feels like Im absorbing the sun like a reptile or a solar panel. Is he making home-cooked, healthy meals? Sometimes when Im feeling bad I take on some momentary discomfort as an investment in my future happiness. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. Please dont give me advice unless I ask you directly.. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. As a friend once wisely told me, theres a difference between helping each other grow and one person pointing out your flaws in detail after knowing you so intimately with the excuse that its supposed to help. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. I agree. I sometimes wish I could timetravel and tattoo this onto my brothers forehead a few years ago. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. Sure, for some people hearing about the severely-depressed woman who climbed Everest without oxygen, ran a multi-billion-dollar corporation, had a movie-star husband and five kids, and still managed to look fabulous straight out of bed, all without medication or therapy of any kind, is inspiring. and it helped him maintain his desired weight/made him feel good and he thought it was delish so it meant that I should. Reasonable. He has ridiculously good boundaries, because its always clear to him who owns what. You are more than good enough you are wonderful, no matter what you are doing, what choices youve made today. Sometimes she gives me general approval to do something if shes having a rough time (food check-ins) and other things only count as very specific situational approval that has to be renewed any time I do it (phoning her psych, removing sharp objects). And I think thats a super sweet thing to do, because sometimes we need explicit cues from others that they care about us and arent secretly frowning at us. He Stopped Calling. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). Thank you so much. Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? 3) when I said, I walked for twenty minutes today! Because Reasons? But it will definitely *not* help if Im already in a funk, other than possibly giving me an excuse to go outside and do something vaguely useful-feeling. Don't jump to any conclusion your mind is playing tricks on you so don't let it. Walking or biking dont have those painful associations for me and are thus easier on me mentally. And its difficult for you to explain this to him, because the Depression Demons are whispering that hes right, so you feel guilty and emotional about it all; so then its Emotional You v Logical Him and things get horrible very quickly. Absolutely. Maybe he thinks he wants you better, so acts in ways that can be seen as toward that goal, but is afraid of you being better, because then he would have no grounds to act superior to you. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? Then he can treat you even worse. 2. He seems to need to control LW to feel in control of himself, and 2. Without the receptive, captive audience, it isnt nearly as much fun for him. Thats a complicated and unpleasant thing to wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical. Sorry, it posted before I was done. You know the fight that led to the end of our relationship? On the other hand, if your boyfriend puts a lot of stock into what your therapist says, this line might work really well. Hell yes! A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. Both of the above. Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). And it is reasonable to want people who are important in your life to be supportive and helpful. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/. Probably fish . Or at least he meant something. (Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Illuminatus!, [possibly mis]quoted from memory., So, heres the thing about exercise and depression: everyones mileage will vary on that. When he complains that youre not cleaning, is it because youve actually made a mess? I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. I live on the other side of this equation. Think hard and make plans. Its just whining, the fact is that if you really care about someone, you want to impress them. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. When you were sick, it was probably easy for him to get you to do what he wanted. I actually coined the term for him. Telling me I am not being logical. We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. This a) allows me to see places that I normally wouldnt be able to get to (much of Europe and North America, selected bits of South America, Asia, Australia), b) floods the brain weasels with new impressions without having to get out of the house (and the more impressions I stuff my brain with, the less it falls into the same old ruts), and c) it completely turns the I have to sit on a stationary bike and stare at a wall for twenty minutes around on its head: its now a case of I can explore [cool place] for twenty minutes at my own pace without much effort and Im quite often annoyed when I have to stop. Keep an anger journal to track your feelings, triggers, and management efforts. Do you ever get the feeling that your relationship would be completely over if you stop initiating texts or hang outs? Anonymous: Anonymous wrote:Asexual people are asexual- they don't want sex even when the relationship is new and exciting. (wanting to control you in not good ways), Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. I want to challenge this. Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) Apologise, and never say that to me again. The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when Ive drank too much and I feel so gross enough that I just want to get everything out of my stomach. Hello, me from the past! We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. This was where I got very concerned. until I stop caring. Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering. Something that I tried with my own Helper from several years ago I took him with me to a therapist appointment. Low self-esteem. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. And he could never admit that it was all about him. But now, today, you have already exercised. It doesnt bother me because of how he asks gently, not sternly, the tone he uses, and because the rest of the time he demonstrates how damnably attractive I am to him. Before that I was open to a lot of possible scenarios, but anger is a red flag in this situation. First, I starred (*) the script about diet and exercise above, because I think you should just stop reporting any of this to him and should in fact treat it as highly weird that he wants to know. 5. OTOH, healthy eating and exercise are also always promoted as the big pop-cultural panaceas for depression and are indeed helpful tools for some people, sometimes, but unfortunately mesh far too well with the cultural meme that people are only sick (or fat) because theyre lazy, greedy or just Not Trying Hard Enough. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. It sounds terrible. Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. You deserve to be with someone who shows you respect who likes you the way you are, who isnt always trying to fix you and who listens when you ask him to stop certain behaviours rather than telling you your request is ridiculous. Is exercise great for depression? Much, MUCH kinder and gentler he always phrased things as suggestions, and he would never say that something I said was the stupidest thing Ive ever heard because thats mean and also I would dump him. But it can be useful to remember that the other person may be engaged in a positive struggle to live their life, even if looks maddeningly like the opposite from outside. So far so good. Some guys are just lazy, especially when it comes to relationships. Things that actually help, like making me food, or cuddling me and telling me how great I am, or watching funny videos with me, or playing Who Let the Dogs Out (I dont care if its the Worst Song of All Time, it ALWAYS improves my mood). Best of luck and all my thoughts. And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! So boyfriend needs to read up on stuff about mental health issues PRONTO. either way. Hell, take steps to meet some new people anyway. The thing is, it doesnt sound like he wants you to be better, despite what he says. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. Oh, LW, my heart is breaking for you. Some things Ive done to help encourage my partner with quitting smoking (which he successfully did years ago, yay) and exercising more are: think of specific, loving things you can do that might help this wont always be something you can do, but, for example, when he was trying to quit last time, I had learned from previous attempts that part of the problem was wanting something to put in his mouth. There are other ways to address issues without him going cold on you. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. Because Im sure youve got enough I shoulds running through your head without him adding to the list. Like, does he have any evidence on which to base this idea that you actually can change people? By the time our relationship came to an end, we fought about the stupidest things, because we were both really fighting over who got to decide how I behaved. Dont. Feeling bad when you are in a stressful situation doesnt make you bad, it makes you normal. He wanted me to try a sip of his tea. Hlep is that thing that looks like help and is presented in a context that would normally surround helpuntil you blink and look again and realize that it isnt help at all. Why would they do that to me?. She can call a plumber or locksmith. Once we finally separated, my depression has not returned. The world outside of math isnt like that. He may have been okay when you were at your most down, but now that youre working with a therapist and coming out of the dark hole you were in, now that youre building your own confidence, motivation and self-respect, hes starting to sound like the sort of asshole who pulls himself up by putting you down. All the love and respect in the world, dear Terrible. I think you are going to be just fine and that you know what is best for you. I hope what the various letter writers get out of this sort of advice is perhaps support that what feels uncomfortable and off to them in a way that's hard to describe is actually terrible no good behaviour. I love it!! Surely being comfortable would be one of the definitions of success??? You can also use the online chat. It makes taking care of ourselves seem hard, even impossible on some days. Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. Replace depression with cancer, and see what Im talking about. 1) They're guilty and regretful about the breakup When a relationship ends, there's a lot of emotion that's at play. I needed therapy, not just support, and his well-meaning attempts to get me active were grating and undermining to me. Your Mileage May Vary. . (From knowing my mother I now if shed had any reservations she would have allowed herself to tell me about them as many times as she could. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? Do yourself a favor. One way to equalize a relationship like this while still showing care for your partners mental health is to maybe suggest fun things to do TOGETHER. That one was also helpful. Agreed. Why dont we call it quits, then, and see if somebody else might not make you happier?. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, That bit in particular sounds so much like my ex-husband. In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you. It can be hard to wait through the change. Oh LW, you are so strong to have come so far and I know the Captain and Awkward Army are all rooting for you whatever you decide. Let me restate, with emphasis: Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. And who makes that clear to you. I dont know. Theyre frustrated with an inability to help, but love & respect their partner. THIS. I would say the effect of increased exercise on my mental health is . How does this affect you? It makes me feel bad when you dont eat your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you.. Thats one form of love, I think: trusting the other person enough to let go and let them figure it out on their own. It was this one: https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn't call or text, because you're worried he's not interested anymore (if that's how you feel). Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! man, you know, there is even an episode of star trek entirely about how when Spock tries to logic everything, the human crew gets really upset with him and McCoy is like emotion exists you dick and Spocks like the deuce you say BUT THEN HE STARTS TO ACCOUNT FOR HUMAN EMOTIONS IN HIS DECISION MAKING AND STUFF WORKS BETTER. You also have the feeling that something must be wrong between you two because it feels like there are more bad days than good ones lately. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. And Ive gotten better about listening. Dont get me wrong, a self-confident woman can look up to and admire her boyfriend, but not in the specific ways he was after. I can't believe it. I believe that my boyfriend (of almost 2.5 years) wants to help me succeed, be better, and do what we both know Im capable of. Or maybe I just eat all the crackers, Or the broccoli. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. Im so angry that you have cancer; its unfair and I hate to see you suffering. Reasonable. May 18, 2020 by Emily Cappiello. Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you. He got that. You need figure out what makes you happy, and start doing that. When your boyfriend just slithers away leaving you completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering. All good things. And you dont either, no matter what your boyfriend says. Dont be accusatory or judgmental when you do this. Or maybe, like so many men, he just expects the woman to do most of the housework. And hey, staying in bed, amiright? People who base their identity around fixing you have a major investment in keeping you broken. Consider date nights too. Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good, even among bad choices. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you? In the examples in the letter, the answer would probably be not at all which should make the boundary more clear. 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