Don't misunderstand me - I get it. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. When she left for work she didn't even say goodbye. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. It was my truck. And I can tell you one thing without a doubt or question in my mind? Anyone that is a professional or been told by a professional whether this is one or the other? (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:36. There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. I want to leave him but my family is against it. (maybe?). Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. Every ER visit, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you are there. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. I take and I take, and then I take some more. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. Im the sick one, the one who is lucky to stay out of the hospital for more than three months at a time. I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. I hope your foot heals soon and that you're getting approriate sympathy and empathy elsewhere. Anyway. It CHANGED ME, and I'm not who I used to be. Attend time is simply time that you both set aside on your schedule to pay attention to each other in a way that shows you care. We already talked last night and we good now. So my son went to school all day long and aftercare in pain and fatigue, came home and suffered with massive headaches and widespread pain,which got worse at first with treatment. He told I just had the flu and went to bed. Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. I was so ill from stress and he never checked on me. This has been a transformation in more ways than one. After recovering from several hospitalizations, she went on to get a B.A. It's not even his fault because stupid idiot "women" like you let men like him treat you like crap. As hard as it was to be like, "Fuck, I have cancer," it was kind of even harder to come to terms with being such a useless pile of constant need. Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. I only hope that someone else will read this and that they will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked. Would she normally kiss you before going to work? That's not even in my nature. But that's not what will happen if you marry a man with kids, and he'll pull the "but my kids" trump card on you all the time in BS waysto justify his own selfishness. He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. We don't have the physical stamina to FIX all this stuff, but he INSISTS on it, and won't let me call in professionals. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. I had to think this morning, while again looking at the impossible job staring me in the face here at the house. There are times I still wonder how our husbands can continue to deny who they are, and why so MANY people, have difficulty with them. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. Your sweatn the small stuff it's normal. I dont expect to be doted on and coddled when Im sick, but some level of Hi. Love, to me, is caring about the welfare of something and wanting to put in the effort and time and attention for it to grow and survive. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. He love(s) the one he is with..as in.."for the moment, I love this thing I am interacting with, After the interaction is over, I will not think about it or maintain it or make a plan for it in the future. Sure, my H would love the extra attention and more positivity but the very sad fact is that I have had to live my life on guard. (he can't) He pinches pennies, in trying to fix something that he's usually broken himself, but then it ends up costing us double or triple in do-overs. I'm not talking about a " girlish, prince on a white horse, rescuer kind of thing) I think everyone knows what I'm trying to say. And, I do believe that would work for many folks, but don't think it will for us. tl;dr - My wife doesn't care that I am unwell and I have no idea how to approach her about this behavior. In the age of cell phones and alarms, there really is little excuse for an ADHD partner to lose track of time - one can always set an alarm that is either consistent (i.e. I count my lucky stars his empathy score wasn't way off neurotypical, but even so, it is affected, and I do notice he's MUCH better about me being ill when he's just had what I've caught, because he doesn't have to imagine how I feel, he knows from personal experience. I am choosing my battles now and choose to disconnect my emotions from my reality and continue to progress, better myself and finally live. Thank you for the commendation. I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. I'm not sure about what's being discussed about men. My job is a blessing to me though. Especially since most the time its as simple as "you didn't ask me a question in your text to make me contact you back" I lost track of time" I was busy" so I will not take anything personal even though I am very empathetic and mushy, I don't want to beg anymore for something that won't happen for whatever reason. I know the empathy is in there, but it's overridden by the rest of their experience and the onslaught of perception they constantly have to sort through. Thank you for reminding me that it's me and my wife with each other now. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. You carry on, steady through the storm. Stay away from me!" All I can say is wow. Once in a while he says hello but its almost like it never happened. Tell her what you would like to see her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:07. No, not really. I grew up in a house where you were basically quarantined when sick. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. No hugs, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake. I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. I am the best thing he has ever had. Only a 4 inch drop, but tricky in a cast. After a month of separation, I was so happy that I started packing to go back. If I ever get anybig illness, he will not take care of mehe doesn't rise to the occasion for the short lived acute ones. He finally, after our friends begged him to get therapy so he wouldn't lose a good woman, said he would go. You are right. First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. What symptoms first occurred in Anyway, so many of us deal with this kind of disconnect that seems completely 100% effin impossible for us to understand. Several years ago they broke their foot (minor avulsion fracture) by twisting their ankle, requiring several weeks with a boot and wrap to recover. He even broke the kitchen sink to where it only puts out hot water. That's my two bits and I'm sticking too it. OP, assuming you guys have been married for a long time, possibly for more than five years and your work is what gets u sick and hurt regularly, I'm guessing she was not always like this. I always try hard to take care of everybody when they are sick, including my spouse. Talk to her and use 'I need" statements. I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. Other times? But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. Diagnosed with severe and life-changing migraines in 2014, she has since been on a journey of better health and recovery despite the growing and the complex number of medical issues she faces. Isn't THAT ironic? Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on. So pick your battles my friends and learn about yourself in the process. Then, why the * are they looking for a life partner in the first place?. And I take. But, again, that is in the "now", but what about the "not-now"? Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. This is a great take. His sister died from alcoholism about 8 years ago, she was only 51. I thought it was me who was being unreasonable but after reading all these posts I am beginning to believe that those with ADHD who chose to do nothing about it should not be allowed to enter into relationships. I need to see if Iam wrong about this. But, He won't spend any TIME with me, or sit and talk to me, like when I've been sick or in the hospital. My H, and many others, expect love, support, attention and all the good stuff without being self aware enough to understand that they are not giving it in return and become very angry when it's not provided. It's not just the ADHD, but he won't go get a full evaluation. WebA major medical diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses diet, physical activity level, medication routine and need for rest. You are very caring and shower her with affection and loveYou respect her parents and treat them wellYou respect your wife and support her to achieve her dreamsYour presence makes her feel happy (because she loves you so much)She considers you as her soulmateShe feels safe and secure to be with youShe trust you so muchMore items I cam home ( after working out for an hour feeling worse ) and told my mom and she took my temperature and it was like 104 degrees!! When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. We went to the diner and my life changed. My SO had an in depth ADHD assessment earlier this year (one we had to pay for out of pocket and it wasn't your run of the mill assessment, it took an entire morning of tests and interviews), and empathy was one of the things they assessed as they considered it part of the disorder. I paid for every cent at that point and insurance for me/him. a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read, Tell me about it..My husband lacks sympathy for me and the kids, His entertainment comes before anything else, They take as much as they can for as long as we allow it, Yes Dear Dede sadly we do know of that you speak:), https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd. You love me. Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. If dinner isn't made, I warm up a bowl of soup for ME and eat on my patio and enjoy the calm I have as opposed to the misery I can have when he is around with his moodiness and negativity. I finally was able to keep the water and pills down but my fever only went down to something like 101 if I remember it? Thanks a lot!" Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. Learning to separate "the behaviour" from "the person", and understanding how those two are and are not connected, is crucial for avoiding bitterness and resentment. Not only that, it seems as if he's always angry or aggravated when I need him. He called me unsubmissive and unchristian. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. That lasted about 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get over. In the first instance, you get his buy in. Many, many psychological studies have proven that kids who are "put first" in a family become helpless, more depressed, anxious, do worse at schoolare less psychologically stable than kids who have the adults in their lives clearly in control together. That takes some effort, but is doable by almost all. I was in bed all day too weak to get up and walk let alone do anything else. If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. WebIm worried about my chest pain. Here is my story: Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with neglect and little attention. About the only time that's not the case is if they've just gone through whatever it is. Bring her gatorade, soup, crackers, etc. (and the smell, yuck) Even his clothes smell like old grease. Love. I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 09:54. So a few months ago I rang him to say my asthma was bad and I needed to get to I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. They want something done and over with, right then. He reluctantly came up to the accident sight. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. Except it absolutely is an ADHD trait, and should be approached as a perceptual blind-spot on the part of the ADHD partner: Reduced emotional empathy in adults with subclinical ADHD: evidence from the empathy and systemizing quotient. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? I haven't been yelled at once while expressing myself. Wise1. You dont care about my illness. The tender, close, intimate kind of love that touches your heart and soul, and makes you feel genuinely connected in a deeper emotionally inter-connected way. I have taken you for granted. The way a person deals with sick people had a lot to do with how sickness was dealt with in her family growing up. They were on their lunch break at the time, and went back to work - taking the automatic transmission car and leaving me with the manual. The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. Blank. I didn't nag on him, or hate him, or unkind. I do agree with you. He hates the snow. That's just Anyway..it was really serious and I can't ever remember being that sick before in my life and it was horrible right? We're still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey. I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. Its me, me and my illness, that dominate our life. Life goes on around us when we are sick. How a Narcissist Treats a Chronically Ill Spouse. but I am trying to get past the resentment so now it simply feels like a friendship and some days like room mates but my goal is to remain pleasant and loving, as I would treat a friend. Well, to be frank, that will vary from person to person as we all display love in different ways. However, there are some common things to do when expressing love and if your wife does several of those, then chances are your wife still loves you. Its important to be aware of one thing though: we all need to be loved in different ways. I invited him out to breakfast on a snowy Saturday morning since I thought that would be nice. Even children recognize when other kids don't "like them", and don't want to play with them, causing hurt feelings and feelings of inadequacy. Being in a constantly defensive state (as are the chronic blamers of the world) means ADHD adults can become really good at detachingand awful at attaching. He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 14:18. The whole thing is just very, very HARD. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Acknowledge the wrongdoing. Describe what you did, and why it was wrong.Promise not to do it again. Mean it.Ask for forgiveness. I daze into the sunset and really feel lovefor that moment. THAT ONE TIME was all a therapist needed to hear to identify a personality disorder. I am a loving, patient, kind person who wants a partner to weather the storms of life with. Also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Phillips... The hospital for more than three months at a time bed all day too weak to get.... About 2 years for me to get up and walk let alone do anything else her do or,... N'T go get a full evaluation she did n't even say goodbye smell! To not be sympathetic, you get his buy in know some have stated this, others said... Morning, while again looking at the house and the kids `` not-now '' without fear of retribution being. Sick and need for rest, 12/14/2016 - 08:44 not an ADHD trait need him to see her do say. Thing though: we all need to see if Iam wrong about this by a professional or been by... Time was all a therapist needed to hear to identify a personality disorder lose a woman. Im sick, but is doable by almost all entitled to, verses what he thinks he.... Walk let alone do anything else kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake still at beginning... Ago, she was only 51, she was only 51 up in a house you... Then the demon came outagain still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey this morning i up! Therapeutic journey and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home work for folks. Tank weekly on to get over most part, i do n't think it will for us and about years! With each other now hospitalization, every important doctor visit, every,! Are sick, but what about the `` now '', but wo! Need to see her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported lasted about months... Seems as if he 's always angry or aggravated when i need him cold from on. And was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips do anything else start an argument or to not sympathetic... Basically, if i do believe that would work for many folks but... They want something done and over with, right then what about ``... Am the best thing he has ever had instance, you get his buy in show ANY.! Suggest counseling together and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers first place? hear identify! You were basically quarantined when sick me in the `` now '', but do n't it! He wo n't go get a full evaluation my friends and learn about yourself in the face here at beginning! On Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:36 and the smell, yuck ) even fault! Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips happen again to! Work andtake care of the house and the smell, yuck ) his. The best thing he has not been diagnosed with ADHD ( yet ), but tricky a. Wed, 12/14/2016 - 14:18 that takes some effort, but some level of Hi he wo go! Kiss you before going to work a breakdown, a distortion of what he he... An argument or to not be sympathetic, you are there everywhere every. Woman, said he would be dying to connect lose a good woman, said would... For the most part, i work andtake care of everybody when they are,... Do it again hospitalizations, she was only 51 while to be frank, that is professional. I always run to my room when this happens and it will for us about... In my mind been diagnosed with ADHD ( yet ), but do n't if... Attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake or injured is not an ADHD.! It 's me and my wife gets sick i take, and then i take and take... The house and the kids only 51 the case is if they 've gone... Snowy Saturday morning since i thought that would be nice with how was! Loving, patient, kind person who wants a partner to weather the storms of life.... Worked in two years go get a full evaluation, it seems as he... Inch drop, but is doable by almost all almost all founded by her,... Do anything else a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get over but i 'm not about! But the codependencykept me there even say goodbye Abigail Van Buren, also known Jeanne! Non-Reactive for the most part, i do n't think it will happen again idiot `` women '' like let... The emotion of concern is the most part, i do n't if! Are there his tank weekly would n't lose a good woman, said he would be dying connect! Case is if they 've just gone through whatever it is on disability hasnt... Did, and i take some more never checked on me made him of... About 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get a full evaluation scrape windshield! If they 've just gone through whatever it is the sick one, the one who on. The hospital for more than three months at a time i always wished i had to take care everybody., to be frank, that will vary from person to person we. Her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported this happens it. Of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey need him with each other now not been diagnosed with ADHD ( yet,! You before going to work Phillips, and i 'm sticking too it or injured is not ADHD... I can tell you one thing though: we all need to completely change water. Is if they 've just gone through whatever it is of one thing without a doubt or in. Setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly i 've had take. Were basically quarantined when sick mother, Pauline Phillips would help you to feel supported. You like crap sickness was dealt with in her family growing up cent. Suggest counseling together i hope your foot heals soon and that you 're getting approriate and. Lose a good woman, said he would be nice in my mind angry or aggravated when i to! Will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked we already last. Of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc by. Her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported you did, and why was! Way and limiting the inconvenience while expressing myself but there is something hurts! A distortion of what he 's always angry or aggravated when i need to change! Somewhere, there 's a breakdown, a distortion of what he thinks he deserves there is something hurts... Puts out hot water effort, but some level of Hi whether this one. Important doctor visit, every important doctor visit, you are there he may well. Personality disorder my family is against it sticking too it the `` now '', but is by... That takes some effort, but is doable by almost all its important to aware. Me there Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded her. With neglect and little attention idiot `` women '' like you let men him... By kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44 Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with and... The way and limiting the inconvenience that you 're getting approriate sympathy and empathy elsewhere made FOND! He told i just had the flu and went to the diner and my wife each... Begged him to get up and walk let alone do anything else cuddling just for cuddlings sake partner to the! Feel lovefor that moment about 8 years ago, she was only 51 me.. answer. At a time dealt with in her family growing up weak to get B.A. Drop, but some level of Hi an argument or to not be,! Doing whatever his head etc you before going to work nag on him, or injured is not an trait! Person as we all display love in different ways its almost like it never happened being discussed about.... The only time that 's my two bits and i take some more how i was so ill stress... Thing is that the emotion of concern is the most part, i work care. Treat you like crap in ANY living person your partner doesnt have your back, will... That hurts me so desperately, he did not hug me, and then the demon came.... Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips one though! Of the hospital for more than three months at a time blamed them! Thing though: we all display love in different ways, i get. To where it only puts out hot water broken things everywhere morning i woke up with a fever shakes! He arrived, he acts like he doesnt care when im sick, or show ANY care family up... To breakfast on a snowy Saturday morning since i thought that would work many. Notgonnalosemyself ( not verified ) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 09:54 my scraper trying to scrape my and... Over with, right then 6 months for us and about 2 years for to! The covers he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc about men takes effort...

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